


I'm sorry I never understood

by vxtya



Series: Angst war [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: #sexual abuse mention, Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide, This is a dark fic, i'm all for killing the main character holler at you john green, samifer angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-29
Updated: 2015-03-29
Packaged: 2018-03-20 05:00:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3637659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vxtya/pseuds/vxtya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>this is part of my angst war series where Me, Chris, Asa and Sweet try to write as you can  guess angst.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm sorry I never understood

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Iship_lover](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iship_lover/gifts), [sweetonmeclarence (redmasque)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/redmasque/gifts), [PrismaChris](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrismaChris/gifts), [walrucifer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/walrucifer/gifts).



> well this is not edited or betaed so expect mistakes...

Lucifer chose to wear full-sleeved clothes, whether it was flannel or plaid, whether he was at home or at the park or out with Sam, or just talking he always wore long sleeves that covered his arms, leaving it all to Sam’s imagination. It was weird for him, they grew up together, shared their first kiss and so much more, but after he turned sixteen, Lucifer started withdrawing to himself, shortly after their mother died. He always locked himself up in his rooms, stereo blasting a new band he would found, writing or reading, avoiding human contact in general. He would still speak to Sam but it wasn't the same heartfelt conversations they had before… it seemed strained, forced, it felt as if Lucifer was no longer there, like it was someone else inhabiting his body. Sam tried to brush it off, but he couldn’t. He loved Luke and seeing him, turn into this was putting a great strain on him.

The sleeves always stayed loose, it barely touched his flesh. It hung loose and limp as if Luke had lost a ton of weight in the past month itself. It was scary even, to a certain degree, to watch him, not only for Sam but also for the whole of his family and friends. Michael even considered taking Luke to an exorcist believing a demon possessed him, his brother, the angel that he was once was no more. He seemed worried, conveyed it to Sam with the hope that Luke would listen to his boyfriend, and treat himself better, but that was not to be. He had shut himself out from everyone including Sam and lived in the quietness of his room, going out after Sam had pestered him long enough till he couldn't take it and had to agree to shut the other teen up.

Now as he was nearing Sam’s 18th birthday and the third unofficial anniversary of his relationship with Sam, Lucifer grew distraught. He had promised the other boy that they would do it after a dry spell of Lucifer wanting to remain chaste and as the prospect of sex loomed closer, he was getting frightened. He couldn't believe it. Not that he was terrible in bed but he wasn't sure how Sam would react to his scars.

They ran from his sleeves to do a dance across his chest to break apart and cover his thighs, they were everywhere, a constant reminder that he was a failure that amounted to nothing. He felt like he deserved it and Sam deserved someone better and he wanted him to find someone, but he knew he could never get over Sam Winchester, no matter how hard he tries.

“Hey,” Sam said as he came into his room “You ok?” He asked, innocent as ever. “Did I do something wrong?”

“Just caught me off guard is all,” he said as he scooted over to make space for Sam. “Well, what is it?” he asked though he clearly knew what Sam wanted to discuss.

Luke so tomorrow is my birthday and I was thinking you know we should, maybe, it’s been a while and I am a horny teen. If you don't want to we can wait but Luke it’s been way too long and I'll be going to Stanford soon and you'll be away at new York so I figured we ought to…”

“I get it” Lucifer let out a shallow breath, playing with the hem of his cardigan and looked over at Sam.

“So can we?” He asked, voice tinged with embarrassment at his sudden need and blushed pink.

“Sam…. I’m not comfortable doing it anymore.” Lucifer replied, unable to believe that he actually admitted to it.

“Why not? What happened? Do I not satisfy you anymore?” Sam was starting to lose the grip he had on his voice when Luke began unbuttoning the cardigan he was wearing.

He let out a gasp as he saw the scars that lined his body.

“I need some time to think.” Sam said as he made his way out and Lucifer did not bother calling him back. He knew he always screwed everything up and he managed to screw this up to. He thought as tears welled up in his eyes and he made a dash to the bathroom.

Sam ran into Michael as he made his way out of the Milton’s house. He was kissing Adam and smiled when he saw Sam looking startled.

“Winchester what’s gotten into you and I know it’s not my brother because Gabe told me you two are on a dry spell”. Michael said much to Adam glaring at him.

“It’s nothing…” Sam said, trying to push them apart and make his way out.

“I get it was a poor joke but how’s Luke?”

“I wanna talk about Luke,” he said as he sat down and signalled Adam to go away.

“Ok, go on” he said concerned. Is he doing or going through something that I should get on as soon as possible?

“He’s cutting himself, just like I feared” I figured you'd know something about it you live with him Michael. He shot him a look an angry glare, daggers, and saw Michael flinch before asking Sam to accompany him somewhere private.

“Mother abused him.” He said, devoid of any emotion. “It was a while before we found out, he never told anyone and was cutting then, and he was around twelve at that time. They diagnosed him with BPD and we gave him treatment and we thought he was fine; Mom’s death must have triggered him, somehow.”

“you were the only one he trusted Sam, don’t leave him ok… if what you said was right he’s pretty weak now and I don't want anything happening to him.” Michael looked at Sam hopefully.

“I'm not going to leave, Michael but I need some time to think and just calm my mind and I don't know.... figure it all out.” Sam said as he made his way out of the mansion.

His phone was switched off and Dean asked why he looked so pensive, to which Sam replied with a shrug.

Later as he turned his phone to call Lucifer and tell him they were good, a voice told him it was for the worst. There were few messages from Gabe and the rest of the Milton clan and from Luke, a voicemail that ruined Sam.

He rushed out of his room as Dean called him out. Castiel must have called him, confirming his worst fears. Sam cried out as Dean held him tight in his arms and carried him to the impala, and they made their way to the Milton household. The ambulances hadn’t arrived yet and Sam ran up the stairs to catch a glimpse, one last look at him, and found Michael kneeling by the tub supporting Gabriel and Castiel who made his way to Dean crying. Sam knelt down, shocked as he took in the sight, Luke in the tub, which was a dark shade of red and shirt soaked in blood, his pale face drained of all life. Sam broke out into a sob, and Anna ran to comfort him, but he couldn't forget the way he had behaved earlier and felt his actions had their fair share in Luke’s death.

A week after Luke’s funeral Sam was at the grave, when he felt cold hands, blue eyes, and the pink lips of the man he loved on him. He got home, determined, his mind made up. He made a note explaining everything to Dean and apologized for the pain he was going to cause. The pills were gone in seconds but it was the razor he wanted. As the razor dug in deeper, the blood began to seep, and the numbness slowly took over him, he felt calm and he closed his eyes, as he felt closer to Lucifer finally.

**Author's Note:**

> if you like it please leave a comment or kudos so i'll get motivated to write more of these..,..<3


End file.
